An Autistic Concussion is a Psychotic condition. Ashton Deroy is Autistic, Queer and struggling. During the early part of my Concussion I committed betrayal, fought for my insanity and struggled with improper accommodation. Why did I do these things?
Honestly going through a Concussion during a Pandemic makes it impossible to ignore the pain, the struggle and the termination of relationships. I try to silence the memories with audiobooks when I can. Or I use exercise. Both only work for so long.
In a way I am very blessed person. Other people with a father less caring than mine would be dead after a Concussion. After all I was homeless & at that point I was completely delusional. If you talked to me during this time. I would of fabricated my sex, identity and family background. I either forgot or couldn’t self actualize during this time.
The Pandemic also doesn’t create empathetic circumstances for the Homeless. Near the end I managed to be able to spend an hour a day in the library in Kingston Ontario. Which I think helped keep me grounded. However mostly I found myself going in to the Library smelling like garbage & hoping to find my next insecure housing situation.
I’m not God… Although when I read about times where I said I was it helps me see where I snapped? What is my ultimate reality? My ultimate reality is a struggle for independence & survival.
This is bad to say… The only people I don’t regret arguing with at this point are the Homeless Meth heads! In fact if I could of just taken out my emotional instability on Meth heads the entire time. I think I would of been okay. I might of gotten stabbed but I wouldn’t of freaked out my own family so much.
At this time I want to work and get better.
As I talk to my Grandma Pat & my Dad. The wisdom they speak to is that getting better is the best thing I can be possibly focusing on right now. Still I find it hard not to dwell on the things that have happened to me in the past 12 months. The loss of shelter, security and sanity. I am constantly looking at near death and complete loss of myself. If life was a story with one definitive climax! My story would of ended in October with me dying on the street. That would of been my grand defeat. The end, nothing worth wild happens anymore. Just darkness and death!
If life had 1 climax this would be the end of my story… However, life drags on. I am now at the point of my life where I am recovering from a disability. I hope I can end up okay.